Sunday, December 19, 2010

the one about wounds

On credibility. I know that the prompt authors for Reverb 10 are giving their prompts for nothing. Sort of. We follow links to their websites to see who they are and possibly what they have to offer.

I can’t afford to buy much these days. I’ve been living off savings to feed my writing addiction, you see. When the Reverb 10 site links me to Amazon, I get annoyed. I don’t want to buy another book to support another writer, especially a writer whose work is, in my head, at least, bollocks. I can’t even support the writer that I want to be right now. Understand?

I do respect some of the prompt authors.

But holy Jesus on toast! The Goddess? I’m sorry, but I'm fucking offended.

Life is not all rainbows and butterflies. Just because you think you’ve managed to get all the things you WANT to get before you’re 25 doesn’t mean that you’ll keep those things or continue to get other things you want when you’re 35 or 47 or 52 or 68 (you could die at 68, like my parents, or at 33, like my friend Kevin, or at 60, like my friend Karen, 27, like my friend Bob).

Life stinks. That’s one of the things that makes it so rich. It’s like my daddy’s favorite soft French cheese – camembert.

Life isn’t always lived in Happy Camp.

That’s another thing that makes it rich.

I am wounded.

You are damaged.

Someone hurt us.

We live, anyway.

Some of us carry oozing, open wounds all our lives. That’s OK. We function anyway. Healing? Drip-by-drip? What is this, chemotherapy?

My father decided against chemo but accepted a little radiation so that he could continue to read his beloved books after the brain mets.

My mother took some chemo by mouth in pill form when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She only lost a little hair.

I have friends who are trying to survive drip-by-drip, but I don’t think they’ll ever truly heal. I don’t know. Are we supposed to heal? Fully?

I think my emotional wounds ache most deliciously when I encounter someone else who is wounded. I find myself wanting to touch them, to talk to them, to listen to them. Maybe we should let ourselves stay damaged, just a little bit, so that we can recognize each other as the walking wounded, talk to each other about what happened, see.

There is no shame in being wounded, perpetually, forever wounded. I will not feel shame for being unable to heal completely. That’s madness.

I can’t think about healing in 2011. This next year will continue much in the same way that 2010 did. I will raise my child, negotiate with her father, try not to go broke, continue learning to say “no” until someone can pay me when I say “yes.” I’ll write, I’ll submit my work, I’ll be with friends, learn things, do things, live.

But I’ll always be wounded. And that’s all right. The wounds keep me spicy.

6 comments:

  1. Love it that you recognize your spiciness!
    I didn't include in my post about those who have had the greater struggle than the precious Goddess Leonie nor how offensive her self publication and self aggrandizement is- well done for keeping those wounds and managing the pain.
    Love reading and sharing ideas and thinking with you.
    PS...I can't believe the code/word for verification before I post this is koityl! Spelled incorrectly but please...!

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  2. Celia, I'm pretty much scaring my cat I'm laughing so hard about your verification word. I should challenge you to write a poem with that word in it, huh?

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  3. And thank you for your comment. I was worried that I was being a cranky old crone.

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  4. Ha! When I saw that prompt I wondered what YOU would think of it. I have chosen to ignore it because talking about healing will only dive into the same territory that I've bored my readers with all month, but also, because I am becoming a prickly, cranky old crone (and proud of it).

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  5. I almost puked on myself when I saw Goddess Leonie's prompt & photo. I forbade myself from looking at her book because I knew I would have smashed the computer to bits or gouged my eyes out and it wouldn't have been worth it. Thanks again for another REAL response to an awful awful prompt. I salute your spiciness.

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  6. "I think my emotional wounds ache most deliciously when I encounter someone else who is wounded..." I still have goosebumps from reading that paragraph...

    and about the amazon links - sigh - that so DOES suck! I want to at least feel introduced before being pointed to Amazon (or anything sales)...I would so much rather have seen links to the author's sites.

    Love what you said here about functioning despite wounds!

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