what if all you want to do is this one thing, and you've been able to do it in the past, do it well, but you haven't taken it "to the next level" for a variety of personal reasons, like, you've been raising a child, your husband left and you haven't recovered, even further back, you father died (really far back, more than a decade)? Now, you think it's time to go higher, to trust self, to trust the work, to give all of yourself to this thing that is all you've ever wanted to do.
What if, suddenly, you can't do it any more or think you can't, and the thinking you can't is so powerful that you actually can't? Mighty monster.
What then? Do you get a job at the local video store? Except, no, they aren't hiring. No one is hiring.
Well, I won't think about it. I'll start a load of laundry, wash a few dishes, leave for the high school to pick up my daughter whose friend left me a note on my Facebook wall telling me another friend liked my snickerdoodles, the ones I had such difficulty (the dough died, so I started all over again, and the dough lived, flourished to scrumptiousness ) baking Saturday morning, a donation to the dessert table at the Blue Knights Ball, requested. The organizers never put out my cookies, though everyone else's donations made it to the table. "We ran out of dessert plates," and they had no way to serve them, "But you can freeze them for our next event!" But I didn't, instead, I gave them to the Girl and her father, fresh cookies baked with love. And honey, my cookies are magic. They don't deserve to sit in the back room because the volunteer food coordinator ran out of plates. I don't trust that the next time I bake, my baked goods will make it to the table with the others. This isn't the first time she's held my food back. Hours of work. Expensive. Next time, I'll give you $5 instead. You can go buy the cookies at Kroger. They won't be as good as mine, though.
And, wow, what a digression, a distraction from pondering this huge dilemma I'm facing, a bit of self-pity? A bit? Ahahahahahaha.
I'll think about the thing I can no longer do later. I'll think about it tonight when I'm not sleeping. I'll write about it, write through it.
Except, that's right, I can't.