(note: using this space as a "public journal" lately. Working through thoughts, recording bits of life, sharing my odd process.)
What I really want to do is spend most of my time here in my house, writing, just writing, writing anything for no one but me. Don't want to care if I connect. Don't want to care if it's any good. Don't want to finish or fix or flesh out. Just want to write nonsense, just to write it, like pacing in a circle in the crowded living room, no true destination, just pacing for the sake of pacing.
No, wait, what I really want to do is finish up Lily's novel then finish the "sequel" that tells Zoë's story about the search for her father, Lily's first ex. Then I want to finish writing "The Invisibles," go back to "Spattered" or maybe first finish the dark, dark novel I started in whatever year that was, the one with the goth boy who was drunk on the Greyhound bus.
Finish "Paper Bridges."
Finish "Woman Running."
Rewrite the Mercury mystery (determine if it really is a mystery).
Wait, no, what I really want to do is write a poem every other day for a year, and while I'm writing new poems, I want to revise the old poems, send them out, revise them again when they return to me, rejected, send them out, write new, send, receive, revise, write, collect them up into chapbooks or full-length manuscripts, determine my themes, perform my poems somewhere, study other poets while I am writing my poems (possibly in an MFA program), focus on my work and on me.
No, that's not what I really to do, either. I bore myself silly when I focus only on myself. What I really want to do is find a way to make a living teaching poetry to young people, ages 8 to 19, or to grown ups, ages 20 to 106, to families, Girl Scout Troops, Boy Scout Troops. I want to spend a week with each group, not 40 minutes on a random Wednesday as a "surprise guest" who isn't really as much of a treat as the classroom teacher had hoped. I want consistency and momentum. I want to help them (whichever students I manage to get) build skills on top of skills that rest on top of experience, on top of personal history, on top of personality, through, around, over, under........
Wait, no, that's not what I really want to do. What I really want to do is start a youth slam poetry group, have weekly or monthly bouts, have weekend workshops to bring in presenters who could teach kids how to "slam" one Saturday, teach them how to write a performance poem another Saturday, have an annual region-wide youth poetry slam competition.......
No, no, wait, what I really want to do is create a kind of an online poetry/memoir workshop for women who are over 40 (or over 45), put up prompts, have conversations, encourage collaboration.... (this has been done to death. I am late to the game).
What do I really want to do? Heck if know.