Wednesday, February 12, 2014

a list

1. The car is free from the monster ice that blocked my driveway.

2. This means I no longer have an excuse not to leave my house.

3. The urge not to leave my house has been so strong, that to avoid kind social invitations from friends, I turned off my cell phone.

4. Can't accept invitations I never receive

5. or return voice mails I haven't heard. (I'm a jerk)

6. I hear the cat's claws catching in the carpet.

7. Time for clipping.

8. Tomorrow, to prove to myself that I'm just a loner/introvert/recluse/hermit and not agoraphobic, I will pack up my laptop, my style book, my thesaurus, my notebooks, etc., and go to the library, where I will stay until I am only 10 pages away from finishing my current editing project.

9. Then I will come home and go for a walk if the sidewalks aren't too icy.

10. I need to walk.

11. I need to feel clear pavement or ground under my feet, not ice and snow.

12. I have been writing, writing, writing.

13. None of the writing is clear or coherent.

14. None of it yet has a place or a purpose

15. except that all writing is practice

16. and I've been going through something that needed processing.

17. The writing won't let me share what that something is.

18. My mother has been haunting me about my excessive self-disclosure lately.

19. That's fine. I like remembering the sound of her voice saying my name, no matter what comes after.

20. "Eeeee Li Zah Beth."

21. Each syllable enunciated. Crisp.

22. When I say my own name, the first syllable comes out sounding like I'm a lazy girl, "Uhhhhh."

23. The more I write, the more I want to write.

24. I'm trying to find at least 25 things for this list, but all I have for now are 24. And that's okay.